The response is the same for pretty much every woman I speak with – fear of intimacy. Fear of opening up. Fear of getting close. Fear of being rejected. Fear of getting hurt. It’s all the same thing. It’s Fear.
Fear you think you have addressed because you’ve gone to the therapists (you may even have one now), energy healers, akashic records readers, shamans, etc etc (maybe I’ve gone to many myself!) but let me tell you, the Fear is still there and it’s deep. It lurks, it goes to sleep, it disguises itself as rational thinking, but it is so there.
There are many veiled reasons why your relationships are not what you want them to be. Check them. I hear lots of reasons like:
There are no good men/women out there
My husband/wife/partner doesn’t understand me/appreciate me
My husband/wife/partner won’t step up or do the work
While it may be true and that’s a big maybe, I’m here to tell you it’s not true. There is absolutely nothing outside of you that prevents you from experiencing deep intimacy and connection with others and yourself. Nothing.
It’s you. Your fear is preventing you. Your past wounds and trauma are preventing you (and yes, the ones from your childhood – I’ll have more to say about this as I explore my relationships yet again with a new therapist). Your past relationship hurts – including the ones with your current partner if you have one – are preventing you.
I’m in a new romantic relationship (it will continue to be new until I don’t know when) and every shitty thing I have every felt about myself is rising and it’s not because he is causing me pain. Quite the opposite. He is the most loving man I’ve ever had the honor to be with. It’s because he is so loving that all the trauma is rising up. How does that even make sense? Well, my self-worth is questioned, everything I’ve ever feared is at the front door. This is where rubber meets the road. I didn’t have to deal with this self-inflicted pain when I was single. Why would I? Why would anyone want to have this kind of trauma arise? No wonder you unconsciously prevent yourself from being in relationships, let alone having a healthy one. It’s so not pretty. It’s downright nasty and he is the punching bag. I hate myself sometimes and I’ve done A LOT of work on myself. I’m an intimacy expert, for God’s sake. Still, I hate myself sometimes because of the way I treat him due to the irrational thoughts and emotions I have.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a looooooong way. I look at intimacy every moment of every day and how I’m showing up. Am I being vulnerable? Am I being honest with myself and others? Am I speaking from love to others?
Ask yourself the same questions: Are you putting yourself out on a limb and taking leaps?
are you hiding behind school, work, business, being a parent, insert addiction/activity here
No judgment, just reflect. In the next post, I’ll be writing about my year in review and why that’s important in the first place. Believe me, it’s not something I have ever really done and yet, it was affirming and enlightening. I’ll also give you a preview of what 2017 will hold for you in intimacy and relationships and how I’m going to drop knowledge on you.