Body. Body. Body. It’s loud.
Around New Year’s my body started to hurt in familiar ways. Years ago I developed chronic back pain as a symptom of the sedentary, uninspired life I was living. I worked in a hospital and hid from my passions, from my shadows, and from my calling. I was bored and wanted nothing to do with being a therapist. I was a mess emotionally and didn’t allow myself to feel anything. I distracted myself with occasional weed, sex, and mundane work. The pain would not go away no matter what I did. I tried yoga therapy and pilates. I had scans done. Nothing was structurally wrong. (more…)
“Get over it”. How many times have you heard that? “Buck up” or “have thicker skin”. “It’s been (insert time period) days/weeks/months/years, why are you still (insert feeling)?” I’ve said these words to myself (and others). I sometimes hear myself saying the word “still” and in one conversation, my good friend pointed out to me that I was judging her process as if she is allowed a certain amount of time to grieve and then it’s time to move on or detach. I’m impatient and dislike pain and discomfort. Shocking. I want to stop feeling sadness, hatred, and regret right now. I want to forgive myself and my ex-boyfriends: all of them, dating back to the beginning of time. I’ll have a good day or week and then BAM – back to crying, being flooded by memories, and wanting more than anything to escape into someone else’s arms. Happy feelings only please! (more…)