The pain of great love, great loss, and goodbye

The pain of great love, great loss, and goodbye

I’ve had several gifts bestowed onto me lately. One was the gift of goodbye. I didn’t know how valuable this gift was until I received it. I hadn’t seen or spoken to my former partner for 3 months and a few nights ago we found ourselves face to face. It was somewhat unexpected, although anticipated with fear and anxiety. I had visualized our encounter over and over in my mind in a myriad of ways: from us hugging lovingly to him ignoring me completely. My visualizations steered toward the loving encounter. At least, that is what I wished. When I saw him, I definitely panicked a little but held it together. At some point in the evening, I approached him (with his permission) and spoke to him what was in my heart. I asked him a bunch of questions and he cordially answered but it was clear to me that he did not want any kind of relationship with me. He stated as much. (more…)

Healing from loss

Healing from loss

“Get over it”. How many times have you heard that? “Buck up” or “have thicker skin”. “It’s been (insert time period) days/weeks/months/years, why are you still (insert feeling)?” I’ve said these words to myself (and others). I sometimes hear myself saying the word “still” and in one conversation, my good friend pointed out to me that I was judging her process as if she is allowed a certain amount of time to grieve and then it’s time to move on or detach. I’m impatient and dislike pain and discomfort. Shocking. I want to stop feeling sadness, hatred, and regret right now. I want to forgive myself and my ex-boyfriends: all of them, dating back to the beginning of time. I’ll have a good day or week and then BAM – back to crying, being flooded by memories, and wanting more than anything to escape into someone else’s arms. Happy feelings only please! (more…)