How to stand up for yourself with women

How to stand up for yourself with women

I recently recorded a video called How women are pleasers with other women and why it doesn’t make sense any more. I was calling out sisters who are afraid to be in meaningful relationships with women due to a history of mean girlness in their lives. I get it. I did not grow up with great friendships. On the contrary, I experienced gossip, physical assault from women because I didn’t conform to their standards of friendship, competition, back-stabbing, you name it. I was much more comfortable and felt safe with boys. I could be myself with boys. I had a few good girlfriends and the number increased as I got older. Now I have a large sisterhood of women who are vulnerable, real, courageous, supportive, and nurturing. We love collaborating with each other and lifting each other up. That’s the world I want to live in and the one I’m creating.

Following the video, a sister asked

how do you balance standing up for yourself with your desire to maintain the relationship?

Both are equally important: honoring yourself and honoring the relationship. I’m not going to say it’s easy yet it must be done if you want to have trusting and loving relationships with women. It takes courage and a fierce radical love for yourself. Here’s how I advise women to share vulnerably with their girlfriends:

  • collect yourself and be in a calm space before addressing your friend. Remember that standing up for yourself is of utmost importance in determining your confidence and self-worth. You speaking up is more important than the outcome. Letting go of controlling your friendship is key.
  • Always address these two things that are true for you and unarguable: what you observe and your own feelings. It sounds like this:

When you say I’m dumb or I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel angry, frustrated, hurt, and it makes me wonder if you respect me.

  • Then you wait and listen. Hear what your friend says. She can either hear you and listen or she will become defensive. Defensiveness means she is not hearing you and perhaps doesn’t have the capacity (due to her own victimhood) or the desire to hear you. This is important information for you.
  • Ask your friend to repeat what she heard you say. You can say “communication is important to me and I’d like to know what you heard me say so that we are on the same page”. Again wait for a response before trying to please or jump in to fix.
  • The best outcome is your friend hears you and looks at herself. You come to a loving understanding with a commitment from her that she won’t speak to you in demeaning ways or act disrespectfully. Your boundaries matter.
  • You have to be ok with your friend not hearing you and starting the blame game. If that happens, you tell her that you love her and you are walking away until she is ready to listen. Then you walk away.

Walking away is excruciatingly painful. There is no alternative, however, when someone is continuously violating your boundaries after you’ve let them know about it and they show no sign of growth. Maintaining a relationship is not worth being a pleaser. EVER.

Any other questions, send them via Facebook or sophia@sophiatreyger.com

love ya,

Sophia

 

 

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What energy are you putting out into the world?

Because whatever you are putting out and however you SEE yourself boomerang right back at you!
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Just Say No!

Just Say No!

 

Listen above…I’ve spoken a bunch on what has been integral in the art of manifestation – dream business, dream partner, dream community. What has been non-negotiable in turning my dreams into reality: SAYING NO. A lot. Since my last relationship over a year ago, I have said “no” to men, to colleagues, to friendships that were not serving my highest good, to harmful practices, and to my own Inner Critic. And that made room for my Hell Yes to what I desired most.
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In April, I wrote a letter to my beloved and featured it in my newsletter. It was a letter to myself, the part of me that I have betrayed and the part of me I continually fall in love with. Today I write a letter to my other beloved – my partner. I have realized that he is one of the most delightful beings on earth. I met him two months after writing the letter to myself – my first beloved. Coincidence? I think not. I write this letter as an ode to our love and as an example of what we all need to do at a rather high frequency: let the one we love know how much we appreciate them. Whether you have a beloved in your life (other than you) or you deeply desire to manifest your beloved, let this letter be your template.

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I’ve had to come to grips with the reality that not every one can be at my beck and call whenever I want. I can’t rent-a-friend (that doesn’t exist, right?) or partner (well, I don’t want to pay for it…) and my friends are busy. We don’t sync up sometimes. So what’s a girl to do?

#1: accept that sometimes I’m going to be with myself (which is awesome and I like it sometimes because I’m introverted) even when I don’t want to be

#2: people still value and love me even if they can’t or don’t want to hang out.

#3: when it’s tough to remember #2, I turn to my “teachers” and practices for self-soothing.

What is this self-soothing business I speak of? It’s practically the BEST way to feel good and never feel let down or disappointed by anyone ever again. True story. (more…)